I have my own yoga Matt...

This week I went to my first yoga class in a few years (I've only
gone once before). I'm feeling good enough that I'm
starting to seek out different forms of exercise. The great thing
about yoga is that it will work my body while allowing me to
focus on my soul. Those who do yoga regularly understand
this very well. I didn't understood it before.
I didn't understood a lot before.

You see, having cancer has allowed me to reevaluate
everything (EVERYTHING!) in my life. And one of the many
things that I've realized is the importance of self-focus. My
yoga teacher, Cheri, and I talked about how our society does
not encourage or value people stopping to focus on themselves.
We're taught to produce, produce, produce. And if you don't have
something material to show for your time, you're passed over.
Yet it's exactly this inward visitation that can allow the balance
necessary in daily life, making us more effective in our friendships,
our romances, our work, and our adventures. Genuinely love
yourself and appreciate what you do and you'll be better prepared
to love others. Shining inward just makes it easier to shine outward.

I've spent many hours this past week with myself. But this time
wasn't spent meditating or thinking/talking to myself. Rather, a good
portion of it was spent reading (Harry Potter 4, if you care to know),
walking on the beach or in a park, or watching a sunset. And then
there was yoga on Friday. In other words, the time I spent focusing
on myself was time I spent being a friend to myself.

The yoga class was "Gentle Yoga," a free session given through the
Cancer Center. My previous self would have found the class
"too easy" so I wouldn't have enjoyed it. The new me understands
that the time I spent focusing on myself while in relaxed poses
benefited me in ways that wouldn't (couldn't) happen in my daily routine.

I'm now 32 years old and it's taken me far too long to understand
certain things about how people work and how I work. I've always
liked myself and felt confident about my abilities, but there was an
inner appreciation that I was missing. An appreciation of myself that
would have helped in how I appreciate others. It's ironic that
understanding myself could have helped me understand and
appreciate others.

And this inner appreciation exists outside of ego, outside of vanity.
It's something I didn't understand before this past year, and in some
ways, I was too late in learning this. But at least I'm learning now.
And I have a relationship with myself that I never had before.
Goody goody. Yummy yummy.

Chemo can require a lot of inward focus. For me, it's been more
of an inward physical focus. That is, I can feel chemo drugs in me,
swimming around and keeping me "heavy." This week, I received
chemo on Wednesday and was given my last dose of Nitrogen
Mustard. This is a particularly heavy duty chemo (mixed just before
injected) that made me fairly nauseous this week. My nausea was
mild and I was able to fight it with some delicious pills. I'm not sure
how people who have to combat serious nausea during chemo
can do it. They're real heroes, battling and surviving each day to
conquer something doing its best to kill them.

It's bizarre to think about how my body is a war zone. Tissue-destroying
drugs are injected into me. These drugs attack rapidly-reproducing
cells (such as cancer cells). Then I'm given up to a dozen other drugs
to battle the effects of the chemo. Back and forth. Back and forth.
I'm a vessel for a fight to the death. But cancer will not win this war
inside me.

I had a rather busy week. Lots of time with myself, as I mentioned, but
also a lot of time with friends. Walks, hikes, lunches, dinners, and a
weekend visit from friends from LA, Darren and Jill. Darren and I used to
work together a few years back. We had many great talks about work,
marriage (they're getting married this year), priorities, the future, etc.
It was great to impart some of the lessons I've learned this year and
to hear some of the wisdom they've accumulated over the years. I can't
wait to see them again.

I'm now preparing myself for a busy week. I have a lot of things to do. Many
things to investigate regarding my tax status, financial status, medical
status, etc. I have physical therapy and yoga sessions as well.
I also need to make sure I have time to rest and recover from
any chemo side effects. I'll be using my new inner-focus skills to keep
things in balance.

Life is so nuts and so exciting. It's a real privilege to have one.

m