In the most sincere way that I can express this, in the best way that my heart can be heard, in the happiest, most joyous form that this can come out of my soul...

WOO HOO!!!!!!

On Monday, May 20, 2002, I received my last radiation treatment. I have officially graduated from the Cancer Center and can now (knock on every piece of wood that ever existed) walk cancer-free for a very long time -- maybe forever.

Of course, my notion of forever has greatly changed over the past several months. Forever is no longer “until I die” or “as long as time exists.” Forever is each moment and each moment lasts forever. In other words, forever is what I make it. I was listening to NPR (National Public Radio) several days ago and a scientist -- or doctor -- or maybe he was just some guy -- was talking about how time is both absolute and relative. He explained how, even though time moves forward in a fixed, measurable fashion, we as humans experience that time in vastly different ways. A minute can seem like an hour and a month can disappear in a blink of an eye. While I’m sure we all have examples of this phenomenon, what struck me as important was the idea of paying attention to it. Can we treat each moment as special? Can we make each moment last? And, most importantly, what can we do with each moment?

I now pay much more attention to my time and what I can do with it. If I can’t make each moment last a lifetime, I can at least make my lifetime full of great moments. Having cancer woke me up to myself. I’ve become aware of Matt. And I’m grateful for that.

A lot of people have asked what cancer has done for me -- how it’s changed me. I can think of the following:
- It made me realize that unhappiness can open my body to all sorts of invaders -- sickness, depression, cancer, etc. I doubt I’ll ever be as unhappy with myself and my life as I was when I first felt the affects of cancer.
- It helped me deal with myself on my own terms, allowing me to walk around town using a walker, not caring who is looking or what they think.
- It made me accept my limitations and love my accomplishments.
- It didn’t just make me happy to be alive -- rather, it made me happy to be aware that I am alive.
- It showed me that smiling is a cure.
- It made me understand that it’s not where you’re going, but the fact that you’re going.
- If you’re not loving, you’re not living.


I’d like to thank all of you who have gone on this journey with me, either by holding my hand, making me soup, sending me cards and emails, or by just thinking about me from time to time. Your thoughts and prayers saved my life, and I’m eternally grateful.

I hope these journal entries have made you laugh. I hope that my words have made you think. And I hope that my experiences have offered some insight into your own life.

If I could choose one thing for you to remember, it is this:
You do not have to experience a tragedy like cancer in order to change your life. Consider this your wake up call.


Love and love and love and peace.

m